Social services help

This will take some explaining so please everyone bear with me, the last few weeks have been very traumatic.

Ok so over Christmas we were moving (landlord issue in another thread), we were in the middle of moving and it was two days before Christmas so already traumatic, it was Sunday and i received a voicemail from social services saying they need to speak to me (my wife had also received the same voicemail). Now i will try and explain as briefly as i can, my wife and i have been married four years and together 8, we have three children one is mine by blood and the other two (girl aged 14 boy aged 10) have separate fathers. The step daughter does not see her father and hasn't done in ten years, i am in the process of adopting her legally. The boy still sees his father although its here and there, he buys the boy nothing takes him nowhere, he pays £20 per week and has openly said to my wife if she tried for more he would simply tell his boss that he earns much less and she would get nothing. You know the type of person he is, there were multiple domestic abuse cases with my wife and other exes of his. He is not interested in his son this is all mind games and control.....control he still wants over my wife. We have rules in our house....simple rules, they wash and dry after eating, they clean their rooms, do their homework and that is it. We also have filters on the internet as the internet is not a safe place, recently we found out that the boy had been talking to someone off the internet via the Xbox who he thought was Joey from friends which concerned us. The opposite is in place at his fathers, he works the doors so his son is left with other kids and allowed on the Xbox until when he wants and games like Grand theft auto which we do not allow. For every good step we take.....his dad take him back two it has felt like were fighting a losing battle. I have always brought up my step children as though they were my own, i work bloody hard for them to have whatever they need, my wife stays at home as we wanted the children to have someone there and simply not pushed into various before and after school clubs. Ok a few months ago he accused me of beating him outside of the school as i was taking my step daughter and him to school, the school investigated this it was proven to be untrue as they viewed the CCTV where it was alleged to have taken place. He also later admitted that it was a lie, my wife sought the help of a Councillor for his lying and all round bad behavior. But unfortunately this was not for long enough to do any good. Now the boy has a contract mobile phone which we were not happy with as we felt he was not mature enough. Some of his behavior was getting worse so i asked to look at his phone and asked if there was anything that he needed to tell me. He said there was nothing, on looking in the phone i was shocked to see extreme porn, as a 42 year old man that says it all, he claimed that someone at school and his dads babysitters had been showing him. We immediately said that from now on he can only have his phone in view of us so that we could see what was happening, all other devices such as laptops etc were removed. Forward a few weeks and the children had been arguing and the boys behavior was very bad, he was told to go straight to bed after washing and brushing his teeth. I went upstairs to see if he had done this and i asked to check his phone because of his behavior, i saw that he had messaged his dad saying "i have just been ragged around by me" and "i had better not message too much as it will be suspicious". I showed this my wife who was annoyed and confiscated his phone. The reply from his dad was " i know its hard son hang in there" a very strange response if your son is saying they have been ragged around. Now the weekend coming he was going to his dads for the weekend, usually he would only come on the Saturday but this time he came on Friday evening. There was some messages from his dad to my wife asking what the code for the phone was....he was getting more and more annoyed when my wife said to ring me if he has a problem. He did and this resulted in me telling him the reason we confiscated his phone was because he was viewing extreme porn (he says we had no right to) so i put him straight on the phone. This now leads up to the call from social services, my stepson went to the police with his dad and made a complaint of beating, now social services were there within one hour, they said that they were happy with what they saw, "considering you are in the middle of moving at Christmas the house is very tidy and the children are immaculate and very happy" were her exact words. The police came to interview my wife (i was not to be present) my wife told her of the years of domestic abuse and the whole situation, her words "im happy that this is a case of one child playing parents against each other with words being said, and that she wished more parents had the rules in place like we have". my interview was delayed as they "had more pressing matters to deal with" My wife then received notice via email that her ex had asked for an emergency court hearing which was granted, he had said that the police had removed the child from her care and put him in the care of him which was completely untrue. The Police said seeing as though he is here already and does not wish to return, can he stay here until it is resolved. At the hearing the judge said that the reason given for the hearing was not correct for the reasons already stated, and was unaware that my wife had other children (or she would have known this statement to be false as they would not still remain with her). It concluded with the judge asking if the court could implement anything to help my wife and that dad should be encouraging their son to be contacting his mother. This has not happened and she has seen him for a total of 45 minutes in five weeks, during this time he (son) has logged in to Xbox using our bank card and bought games (Grand theft auto being one) at times when he should have been asleep. There is another hearing on the 8th (1st hearing dispute resolution) cafcaf are to be involved yet no one has visited us to get any information, no one has returned my wife's calls (she has left 8 messages and voicemails and we are in limbo as we do not know what is happening) it seems that someone can make up vile lies and when they are proved to be unfounded then social services leave a trail of destruction behind them with no follow up or after care. The police and social services agree that there was nothing in the allegations, yet we are being treated as though we are criminals whilst his father the domestic abuser who plays head games with children is allowed to continue. Please can someone offer us any advice or anywhere where we can go to get any help. I may have missed some things out as were mentally drained, if anything needs clarifying i would be happy to.

I understand where your coming from and situations like this play out every day all around the world. The courts dont have enough inclination, time or other resources to sufficiently investigate family issues to the extent they should and people end up in your situation.

Having worked in OHS for many years I learned the best way for me to deal with people was to build relationships with people and then use that relationship to influence people.

Prior to this I was always finding myself in conflict with others and getting heavy handed which was not working because I had no disciplinary power. I worked in a purely advisory role, and the people concerned just ignored me and did as they liked.

In fact on a few occasions in the early years of my OHS career it was an open conflict and it became a case of them or me. Unfortunately it was me that went down the road because "I could not get along with people."

After realising that my disciplinary approach was not working I set about building relationships with people and then I used that relationship to influence them.

By using tact and diplomacy and by avoiding direct conflict through choice of words, I learned how to talk to people in a way that was not confrontational from their perspective which then enabled me to play a mentor type role rather than a do as I say type relationship. I went out of my way not to say anything that would hurt their pride or embarrass them. As I became more skilled at this, I began to find that those I was seeking to influence began to hold me in some regard in a positive way and I rarely had a problem with people after that.

A boy at the age of the boy you are referring to, does not need a disciplinary approach. What he needs is someone who will take time and talk to him about his issues and what he thinks of his father not coming to see him or take him out etc.

eg, "I notice that your dad has not come to see you for a few weeks, what do you think of that? Would you like him to come and see you? Would you like me to contact him for you? Do your friends know that your dad does not come to see you? What are your thoughts on that? What do they think of that situation? etc. etc.

hope this helps